Today We are doing something that we have never done before: We are opening up the gates of The Mom and Dad Academy for talented moms and dads of the world to empower us and give us tools to teach our kids new skills.

This is so exciting!

Our first mom-guest writer is Yifat Schwartz. Although I feel a very strong connection to Yifat, I have never met her face to face.  Yifat was the first person to sign up to receive The Mom and Dad Academy blog – and I never forget my firsts. Through our online correspondence,  I discovered that among her many talents, Yifat is also an equestrian.  I thought to myself, how wonderful it would be to introduce our kids to horseback riding – except – that I know nothing about it.  I approached Yifat, who lives in Israel, with a request for guidance and tips.  This post is the result of our virtual conversation.

Yifat, the stage is yours.

What’s the best age for my child to begin learning horseback-riding?

There is no “right” age to begin riding. It really depends on the child’s desire – that’s not less important than the parent’s desire. If a child shows an affinity for horses and riding at age 4, there is no need to wait. You can take him to a riding ranch to see horses, pat them, watch others ride and get on a horse while an instructor leads the horse. In my opinion, the optimal age to begin riding in structured lessons is 6-8 years old. Any age after that is fine as well. It’s never too late to begin horseback-riding.

How can I help my child learn horseback riding?

Horseback riding is first and foremost a love for this animal. The connection between the child and the horse is the most basic component here.  The difference between riding and any other sport is that you always need to be synchronized with an animal, unlike tennis or bike-riding. Understanding this animal and how it thinks is an entire doctrine.

Before you begin, it’s good to know there are two main types of horseback-riding: English and Western. Western horseback-riding is how cowboys ride and is subdivided into many styles. English riding is a competitive sport which can be seen in the Olympics.  Western style is also competitive but is not in the Olympics. English riding is divided into styles such as Dressage where horse and rider are expected to perform from memory a series of predetermined movements and Show Jumping. Its best to explore various riding ranches in order to observe different styles of riding and to decide what style works best for you and your child.

As a child, I started riding English style, but as a parent my children will begin riding Western since it is more informal, less rigid, and more appropriate for children, in my opinion. There is not much prep work to do at this point. After you have picked a style that you like, you need to find an appropriate ranch and let the local instructors do their work.

How did you get into this sport, Yifat?

My love story with horses began from the moment I saw my first horse.  I have always loved horses. My parents were not involved in my decision to begin riding. They don’t ride. This is something that emerged from me. I grew up in a city in Israel. I started riding at age 10. Riding has been a significant part of my childhood and adolescence. My life was intertwined with the local riding ranch. Most of my friends were other kids who rode along with me (and many of them are still my friends today). As a young girl and a teenager I would go riding 3-4 times per week and on Saturdays we would take part in horse competitions or help out on the ranch.

I learned a lot from riding but also from everything that is involved in being on a riding ranch. I learned to work hard, to clean the stables and maintain riding equipment and take care of the horses. I never complained – it was just a natural part of riding.

What should I check for when selecting a riding ranch for my child?

As in anything that has to do with your child, the human factor is most important. It is important to make sure that the instructors are friendly and are capable of communicating with children. You can request to watch another child’s lesson and observe how the instructor communicates with that child.

There are some mistakes that parents make though. Often, the parent himself is not familiar with horses so it’s important to observe your own reaction when you’re near a horse.  A horse is a big animal and I can understand mothers who feel a need to shriek hysterically when a horse brings his nostrils next to you the first time – but please don’t shriek. It’s important that the kids get a sense of security near the horses and that the adult who is with them will appear confident.

What else should I keep in mind before my child begins to learn horseback riding?

Horseback riding is an expensive sport. In my opinion, it is worth every dime spent but it is still important to know what you are getting into.

It’s also important to make sure that the child knows all the safety precautions when working with horses. He will be taught on the ranch how to approach an animal that weighs 1700 lbs. There is no need to cause him to fear the animal – just to make sure he understands the rules of the game. When you are near a horse, you need to always be aware of how they behave and to read their body language.  Learning how to read an animal’s body language is a huge advantage as well for the child, and an amazing learning experience.

What do you tell a parent who feels conflicted about the taming of horses and the fact that it is an unnatural process for the horse (torturous on some levels)?

In the past, in order to “break a horse” it was common to think that you have to “break its spirit”. This may have been true in the past when humans had to capture wild horses that have never seen a human in their lives. This is very far from being true today. The horses on which we ride are completely domesticated and were born on a ranch. They are very familiar with humans and enjoy their company from the first encounter. The process of taming a horse for riding is done gradually and is relatively pleasant for the horse. The horse enjoys the learning and especially enjoys the connection with people.

Academy Mom’s conclusions

Yifat has inspired me to begin visiting local horse farms.  I am sure the kids will absolutely love it. Despite the fact that I myself am nervous around big horses, I am sure my nervousness stems from lack of familiarity with them.  In our journey of teaching our kids about the world around them, I wish for our kids to feel “at home” with animals.  This can only be done by face to face, physical encounters with animals on a regular basis. Let the horseback-riding adventure begin.

Yifat Schwartz is a mom of three adorable boys, happily married to a veterinarian, certified to treat babies and toddlers with developmental delays – loves to write about all of these. You can read more of her thoughts on life in her Hebrew blog http://skilledmother.blogspot.com/

This year things will be different.

I looked over last year’s goals and am quite pleased with the results.

But, one thing was missing: I set monthly goals in the past. That’s not good enough anymore. I need to break it down into weekly learning goals and organize the entire overwhelming plan for 4 little kids and running a household in one system. Yikes!

I bumped into a post on the internet explaining how another mom is organizing her entire year – in advance.

I fell in love with this idea and decided to adopt it.

No more waking up in the morning and running to prepare math worksheets.

No more last-minute research on what author or artist has a birthday that we could mark and learn about this week.

No more searching for a last-minute art project to do with the kids today.

No more wondering what field trip I can take the kids to this week.

No more.

I want to become one of those super-mamas who I admire (and envy!) who  has it all planned out in advance.

This doesn’t mean that there is no room for spontaneity.

Of course there is.

Plans can be changed.

It just means that there is a plan.

That word just puts a smile on my face.

I love plans.

I live by them.

They make me want to get out of bed in the morning.

They make me feel like our life is under control and not the chaotic mess that it becomes every few weeks.

A road-map. That is what I am making.

But, this time, I am breaking it down into weeks. 52 weeks to be precise.

I will share with the readers my lists and updates from my personal notebook regarding preparations in case it helps anyone else organize their life and activities.

Academy Mom’s To-Do List

1. Prepare Box with folders divided into 52 weeks (went to Staples yesterday – done!)
2. List of all holidays + birthdays + special days + worksheets and list of projects for the different holidays/special days
3. List of math goals for 2012-2013 for all three older kids
4. List of all writing goals all three older kids
5. List of all reading goals all three older kids
6. List of 104 scientific experiments we will do this year (2 experiments per week)
7. List of 52 new musicians we will get to know this year (one per week)
8. List of 12 trees we will get to know this year (one per month)
9. List of 6 flowers we will learn this year (only during warm months)
10. Spanish: 52 lessons (ask librarian in the New York Public Library about how to connect to Mango Languages)
11. Russian: 52 lessons (Mango Languages)
12. List of external classes we will do this year: Tae Kwan Do, Construction, Circus Arts?, Gymnastics, Drawing, Swimming (outsourcing is not a bad word!)
13. List of 52 field trips (one per week)
14. List of 52 arts and crafts projects (one per week)

Putting it all together

Start filling the 52 folders with materials that are relevant for the different weeks.

The year of organization

I can’t take the mess that I feel our life is anymore. I declare this to be the year of organization. Step by step, in very small bites, our life will become organized. It will make things run smoother. I just know it. The first step is to prepare our “learning year” and special activities. The next step will be to prepare a schedule of jobs around the house and divide them up by child (And adult). Then, we will work on menu preparation for the entire year. Then, I need to create a system to deal with all the paperwork and bureaucracy that is in piles and piles in my bedroom. Somehow in between we will tackle the clutter. I am literally drowning in clutter. (Did anyone say neighborhood garage sale? That’s my next project)

So, readers, who here is drowning in all of the details of running this operation called family? Do share your tips and thoughts in the comments box or on Facebook before this overwhelmed mama dramatically drowns in the sea of assignments??!

Yesterday – July 31, 2012 – was a historical day in our family.

It was the day that our super-shy daughter participated in her first external class ever.

Let me tell you the story.

Why don’t you take her to a psychologist?

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this line in different variations. Ever since she was born, she has been a very hesitant and introverted child whenever she was around people who she was not familiar with. At home, not only was she extroverted, she was – and still is – the leader of the boys, leading games, group dynamics, full of humor and very warm. But, outside – it is very hard to even get her to look at you. No chance she will talk to a stranger or even someone who she hasn’t met consistently for many times. That’s just how she is.

“What’s wrong with her?” – people ask. Worried family and friends offer their thoughts about how to solve this “problem”. I mean, how could she be almost 6 years old and still so shy???

Stubborn parents

So, me and Academy Dad sat and talked through the years. There is pressure from all directions claiming that something is wrong with our child. Obviously, they can’t all be wrong, right? We look at each other and decide: they are wrong. She is completely normal. Just very shy. Let’s give her time. She will open up and let us know when she is ready to connect to people outside of the family.

One summer day

One day it just happened. Lilac’s brothers have been signed up for summer classes and she has been watching from the sidelines. No pressure was put on her to join. No guilting. She would sit and do water painting or just watch while they are in classes.

Surprise Surprise

Lilac: Mom?

Me: Yes?

Lilac: I think I want to try a swim class.

Me: (in shock) Okay.

Row your boat

Lilac’s swim class began yesterday. It is important for me to document as soon as possible how I felt because otherwise I will forget these once in a lifetime moments.  Until the last-minute, I didn’t know if she would go through with it. I mean, for six years she has adamantly refused to join any activity that is outside the family.

We walked over to the pool and got in the water. I thought to myself: Okay, she will get in the water but I don’t think she will play the London Bridge game or the Hokey Pokey dance in the water.

She did it all. All of it! I let her lead the way and she was so ripe for this transition that it felt like the universe has brought her to the exact place she needs to be at the right time. She needed to do a class where Mom can participate with her. That is what she needs right now.

Conclusions

1. Shy children are not sick children. Not mentally. Not physically. Not emotionally. They are just shy. It takes them time to warm up and their pace must be respected.

2. Never ever make a shy child feel guilty about being slow to warm up. Do not pressure them to join activities. Don’t force them to participate in a class just because you paid money for it. Talk to the teacher in advance and give them a heads up (privately!) that this is a shy child and that you are just trying out with no commitment to go on. Make sure they have a flexible money back policy. I have seen moms yell at children, pressure them, guilt them (“I paid so much money for this class – now go play!!”). It breaks my heart.

3. I believe that if a shy child is given lots of support, love and respect – his time to open up his wings and fly will come. And – most amazingly – he will let the parent know when the time is right!

4. Me and Academy Dad do our best at parenting but – like everyone -we make many mistakes. Our approach with our shy child is one choice I will forever be proud of. We believe in our children’s ability to guide us in the right direction. They determine the pace of their progress – not us. I thank my lucky stars that we didn’t go to any psychologist or expert to help a situation which didn’t need any help.

Like mother Like daughter

Confession: Academy Mom was a very shy child. I used to hide behind doors whenever guests would come to our house and not come out the entire visit. My mom tells me that when she took me out for walks in the stroller, I would bury myself inside the stroller and not look up when my mom met aquaintances on the street. Not a smile nor a glance. Nada.

Today, I don’t have a shy bone in my body. How did I lose my shyness?  I started writing in first grade. I wrote my first essays and received enthusiastic feedback from classmates and teachers. I wrote some more. Second grade, third grade, fourth grade.  My confidence built more and more. In parallel, my Dad brainwashed me with the sentence: No one is better than you. NO ONE. Don’t let anyone make you feel small because you are not. Over time, I realized I am indeed a person of value and left the shyness behind.

Thank you, Universe, for giving me and Academy Dad the intuition to follow our hearts and believe in our child.

Sometimes – just sometimes – we just get it right.

And that feels oh so good.

I want to talk today about moms and melancholy or depression.

I don’t hear much spoken about this subject.

I mean, everyone hears about post-postpartum depression but not much is said about regular moms of young children having depression.

On some days, I get melancholic. It’s hard to put my finger on the cause. Usually it is a combination of fatigue, lack of private time for myself, financial challenges, the feeling of always being in “giving” mode.

On these depression mornings, I feel like a child who stands in front of his day-care and doesn’t want to go in and start his day. He hesitates, maybe sheds a tear. That’s me.

In the first few years of being a mom, I felt guilty about this melancholy that comes and goes. I mean, I have everything to be thankful for, right? Four wonderful, healthy children, an amazingly supportive and loving husband, my health, our educational journey with the kids. My life.

It’s been 7 years since had my first child and today I have reached a conclusion: depression of moms is a completely normal phenomenon. COMPLETELY. Note to self: Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I do have experience with depression and it’s not a pretty sight. On depression days, I feel a lack of energy, my brain is not “sharp”, I don’t feel like spending time with the kids or with anyone for that matter, I don’t want to cook, clean, drive, hear music. Nothing. I want to be left alone.  This, of course, is impossible.

I have reasons to be sad every once in a while.  I get sad for the loss of any free time to think quietly. I get sad because I am oh so tired that it hurts. I get sad because my ears hurt from all the noise of having four kids at home all day. I get sad because I am always giving and sometimes – just sometimes – I want to be a little girl again and for someone else to take over running this business called a family. I get sad because I have to drive 4 kids around from one activity to the next, whereas I wish we lived in some sort of community or tribe where they can run freely with other kids and I can settle back and relax.  I get sad because my husband has to work seven days a week so that we can be financially independent. I get sad because I am expected to run this operation called home, discipline, education, menu-planning etc. – which I know almost nothing about and have to start from scratch learning everything.

In the overall context, I am *very* content with how my life has turned out and the journey that our family is on. I feel that a person is the master of his destiny and I am indeed the master of my destiny. But, despite this outlook, I do have my depression days.

When I look at other moms around me, I think that they have depression days too. It’s just something you see in their eyes. But no one talks about it with me. I almost never hear moms speak openly about the pains of being a mom.  Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who has these days.

Since I am a solution-oriented person, my brain is always trying to create solutions for problems. So here goes:

The problem: What to do on depression days when I am alone with all kids and its 6AM and everyone is up and there are 15 more hours ahead of us to spend together?

The solutions:

1. Go outside. Outside is easier. My mood always improves outdoors. Buy everyone an ice cream and head to the nearest playground and meditate while the kids play.

2. Become an opportunist. Be aware of the few “in-between” minutes between activities when the kids are busy and you can meditate (or vegetate).

3. Lay low. Do low-energy activities like filling up the bathtub and letting the kids play while I read a book. Free unstructured playtime is always good on these days. Glide through the day while conserving energy.

4. Go visit the library. It always takes away my depression. The minute I enter the library I become a happy human being and remember how much I love learning and how much I love life. If it were up to me, I would go to the library several times a day. Its like medication for the soul.

So, Moms and Dads, am I the only one who has depression days? I know this is a controversial topic and would love to read your thoughts about it. Write us in the comments box or on our Facebook page.

Happy parenting (even on melancholic days),

Sigal

Being a parent is the most challenging obligation I have ever undertaken.

I am responsible for everything these little humans that I have given birth to will know.

But, alas, no one ever taught me all of the things that I will need to know in order to do a good job as a Mom! Therefore, I must teach myself.

Human physiology, medicine, history, arts and crafts, business and finance, physical education, science, mathematics, botany, zoology, chemistry, physics, computers and technology, marketing, playful learning, swimming, dancing, jewelry-making, geography, nutrition, cooking, meteorology, sibling rivalry, and more and more. The list can literally go on forever because every day I realize how many more tools I need in my parenting toolbox.

Anyways, I want to talk today about a part of my reality that I call parental self-education. This is a vital part of my daily life and I wonder how many other parents out there do something similar. It is made up of a combination of daily audio lectures and book reading in parallel.

So, here goes:

Breakfast preparation: Listening in to a free “History of the World” course online (so I can answer the kids questions about history and how we got here)

Lunch preparation: Listening to The Big Picture MBA: What every business school graduate knows audio CD (for my new business venture).

Dinner preparation: Listening to a lecture series on internet marketing in Hebrew  (for my new business venture)

In between: listening to The Panic Virus audio book (about vaccines – must decide whether or not to vaccinate partially)

In the car: listening with the kids to Elizabeth the Queen – Queen Elizabeth’s biography (17 cd’s in total – we are on cd #3!)

On my bed I: Reading The Longevity Diet book (a life changing book which i will talk about more i another post about parental weight loss and nutrition)

On my bed II: Reading the book How to Write Poetry since I have no idea how to even approach this subject.

First Floor Restroom: Tribes by Seth Godin (to increase my knowledge about business for my new venture).

Second Floor Restroom: Children’s Book of Music (how to teach kids about various types of music and musicians)

And, yes, I get to each and every one of these media elements every single day.

Two minutes here, two minutes there. It’s mostly fragmented but I am learning all the time. The kids often make too much noise and I must press “Pause” very often (every 3 minutes or so). But I am not giving up.

At the end of each day, I am more knowledgeable about child education, business and finance, medicine and physiology, nutrition, internet and web marketing, history of the world on many levels and literature. It’s a university at home. I really feel good about this.

To compensate for my lack of knowledge in the classics, I read classical stories along with the kids. We read Little House on the Prairie daily, Jules Verne’s The Mysterious Island, Harry Potter. Mom has a lot to learn.

Honestly, there is SO MUCH TO KNOW. I don’t think I will cover one thousandth of it in my lifetime. But I am sure as heck going to try.

Why?

1. Because it is fascinating! Really! I enjoy learning new things tremendously. These audiobooks and books are so rich with colors, flavors, stories, tensions, discoveries – TOOLS. I find myself a better person just by having broader knowledge.

2. Because I feel that my childhood was wasted and that’s too bad. instead of reading books and learning about the world around us, I watched idiotic TV shows and wasted time with mediocre middle school and high school intricacies. what a waste. i wish someone would have told me what i am missing. Why didn’t anyone tell me books were so powerful????

3. Because as a parent, I am an educator and that is a huge responsibility. I owe it to my kids to fill up my knowledge bank so that their knowledge bank will grow as well.

Some days I feel that this disproportionate hunger for knowledge can’t possibly be normal. I am starved. I mean, there is rarely a minute that i am not learning something new or teaching something new to my kids.  Inside the house or outside. I don’t think this hunger can ever be fully satiated.

Surprisingly, Academy Dad is hungry like a wolf as well. I see him with his ear phones plugged into his iPad educating himself with free history, mathematics, real estate and business lectures online.

For the good or the bad, learning is a bug. And we’ve caught it big time.

Is there any other parent out there who is self educating in ridiculous doses daily?

Please leave us a comment about it in the comment box or come talk about it on our Facebook page.

Today I walked up to 7-year-old Barak’s tennis coach and apologized.

Until the last-minute, I wasn’t sure if I will go through with it or not but then I did it.

Here is the story:

Barak is signed up for free tennis lessons provided by New York State. On Tuesday, we were running late and it was super-hot outside, so I told Barak that we will try to make it to the 2pm class instead of the 1pm class. I didn’t think it was a big deal. Apparently, Coach Will (let’s call him that) thought it was a big deal and told us to go home. Go home????

Now, I am standing there with four little kids and a stroller, all sweaty and barely breathing because we ran from the car across the park to the tennis courts. My little boy with a tennis racket in his hand cannot start to play and this guy is telling me: Go home – when its clear that if my son goes in to play no one will notice (around 30 kids split up in three courts).

I almost exploded.

Why? Because of the arrogance, and the lack of consideration, the inflexibility and the obvious inability to understand what its like logistically to make it to that lesson with four little kids.

Some quotes from Mom to Coach Will:

“This is ridiculous.”

“This is not my son’s fault. This is my mistake”

“There are obviously other younger kids in the group” (after Coach said this group is for 8-11 year olds)

“Who is in charge here??! Is there a main tennis office in the city???!”

Okay, so you are probably smiling now. I sounded kind of ridiculous and pathetic but it was a really hard day. I was so tired and I just wanted to help my son make it to his class.

Explaining the situation to my son

In the afternoon, Barak brought up the subject of some Chinese leader in history who told his people to burn all the books they own. I told him that I wasn’t familiar with the story but we can read about it if he wants.

Mom: I am guessing that he didn’t want the people to have access to knowledge. In general, leaders like to keep their subjects ignorant. Its more convenient that way.

Barak: So, leaders don’t like people who read a lot of books like me.

Mom: No, many leaders don’t.

{Now comes that part where I make a mistake}

Mom: Look at the tennis coach today, for example. He is a leader, right?

Barak: yes?

Mom: And he didn’t like it when Mom told him that he is wrong. See? Leaders don’t like people who can see through their strategies.

Dad comes to the rescue

At night, Dad showed me that my approach wasn’t right and that I misled our son. He pointed out that there are two sides to every story and that I needed to tell Barak both sides of the story. I know he is right. How annoying. Now I have to go fix the mess that I’ve made.

I’m sorry

On our drive to the tennis lesson today, I shared with the kids that I plan on apologizing to the coach for my outburst. Why? they asked. Because Mom doesn’t like to disrespect people and the tennis program has rules and I need to respect them. I planned on apologizing discretely when the kids are not nearby, but I ended up doing it with all four kids next to me.

Me: Coach, can we talk for a minute?

Coach: yes.

Me: I want to apologize for my outburst the other day. It was a very hard day and I was frustrated. I didn’t mean to disrespect you and your rules. We will come to our regular class on time from now on. I explained this to the kids in the car so they are with me now hearing my apology.

Coach: Its okay (he smiles surprised and turns to Barak). You coming to play, Barak?

Conclusions:

1. I can be very sharp-tongued when I am tired and angry. I’ve learned to control it over time but it arises whenever fatigue is in the vicinity. Academy Dad says that I always try to solve things by aggressiveness first and then turn to  diplomacy. He says I have it all backwards. He is right, of course.

2. People make mistakes. Its only natural. I am still not 100% convinced that I am the only one who made the mistake here but I wanted to do the right thing on my part. I feel much better.

3. I am so happy that this happened next to the kids even though I didn’t plan it. It sends a strong message of humility, I think. In other words, Mom can get off of her high horse and walk over and make things right by saying the right words.

4. Barak learned that plans can be changed and we can turn lemons into lemonade. Even though he was very disappointed that the coach said that he cannot play, we went home and had a great afternoon full of board games and fun.

Stay flexible, my boy, as life tosses unexpected situations in your direction.

Same advice goes to Mom.

We are loving our mobile classroom!

Check out how many audiobooks we have waiting in line patiently in our car.

One by one.

We plan to listen to them all.

The latest adventure that we have heard on our drives is the London Eye Mystery by Siobhan Dowd.

I wasn’t expecting much but since it received a very warm recommendation on one of the listservs that I am signed up to, I ordered it from the library.

The story in a nutshell

Aunt Gloria visits Ted’s family home with her son Salim, a half-Indian boy who is roughly a year older than Ted; a boy with Asperger syndrome. Salim disappears upon riding on the London Eye. The rest of the story describes the adventures of Ted and his sister Kat, attempting to solve the mystery of their cousin’s disappearance.

What our kids learned from the story

1. Aspergers Syndrome – How would you explain this to a child? I am sometimes at a loss when it comes to explaining “syndromes” because often I am quite ignorant on the subject myself. In general, the message to the child is that some people’s brains work differently. Not bad or good. Just different.

2. Lying to your parents can put you in danger. In the story, the kids lie to their parents when they sneak out of the house. We discussed the fact that Mom and Dad are always there for you no matter what and there is no reason to fear telling them anything. What so ever.

3. Children can get kidnapped. This was the first time the kids were introduced to the subject of kidnapping. I wonder how scary this sounds to a child because I am awfully nervous about our kids being kidnapped.  I also feel torn when telling them not to talk to strangers because I love talking to strangers and I feel they have so much to learn from strangers.  I wonder how other parents out there approach this subject.

4. Work of police detectives. This story introduces very nicely the work of police detectives as they try to solve crimes (or a disappearance in this case). They are like puzzle solvers, I told the kids. Wondering if we can somehow get a close-up tour of a police detective’s work.

5. London and the British. The kids were introduced to the city of London, the subway system (aka the TUBE), the huge London Eye ferris wheel, the British accent, British slang, etc. This is one of the main reasons I love these stories. We listen in the car while driving through New Jersey, yet its like we are  in a different country for a few hours.  And I didn’t even have to buy expansive plane tickets.

What Mom loves in this story

I really enjoyed hearing my 7-year-old sitting in the back of the van and thinking out loud – trying to put together the puzzle pieces – to solve the mystery.

Some quotes:

“Maybe Salim didn’t get on the ferris wheel at all and he went to his old town?”

“Mom, what if the security guard knows what happened to Salim and is not telling the truth?”

“They can get on the train and catch up with him!”

What Mom doesn’t love in this story

I keep bumping into the theme of children running away from parents who don’t understand them over and over in children’s books.  This is very frustrating for me. I tell my kids that there is no reason to run away from home. We are always available to hear them out and even if we disagree we can always find some solution that everyone will feel comfortable with. I sure hope none of my kids ever runs away. It will be a personal failure for us as parents.

Another topic that I get uncomfortable with is when there was a brief conversation in the story about french kissing. It was short and I am not sure what the kids got from it.  This audiobook is appropriate for ages 5-13 except for this one-liner.  We talk to our kids freely about sexuality but I felt it wasn’t necessary to get into this topic here.

Inspiring Woman

The author of The London Eye Mystery is Siobhan Dowd who passed away in 2007 from breast cancer. I love women like her. She continued to write prolifically until her death. She also created a program which takes authors into schools in socially deprived areas, as well as prisons, young offender’s institutions and community projects. During 2004, Dowd served as Deputy Commissioner for Children’s Rights in Oxfordshire, working with local government to ensure that statutory services affecting children’s lives conform with UN protocols.  Did I mention that I am amazed again and again by people who are actively changing the worlds around them? I hope that this message gets passed on to our kids.

Letter to the author’s husband

As always, we sit down to write a letter to the author when we are done with a book that has changed  us in some way. In this case, we have written to Mrs. Dowd’s husband:

Dear Geoff,

Baby Agam spends a long time every day playing the piano.

I watch her and in my heart I know that she is doing it because she has access to musical instruments.

I look at my 6 year old, my 5 year old and my 3 year old.

No, they didn’t have access to musical instruments.

No, we didn’t play much music in the house during their first few years.

Yes, it is completely our fault and it breaks my heart.

Now, you tell me, which one of my kids will have music come to him/her more naturally?

Conclusion: Start them early.

Parents have the ability to create an environment that is music oriented and musically exciting.

It’s never too late. Start a music instrument box today. Check out Freecycle to see if anyone is giving away instruments. Commit to playing many genres of music in your home daily. Immerse your household with sounds and melodies. Dance.

Oh, how I wish I did it earlier.

Upon reading this article about Mom-Turned-Activist Diana Reeves, I realized something: I can teach my kids to be activists.

But, how? I’m often considered a very active person yet I rarely never did anything to make a change. Why? Because no one showed me how to. Sure, there were things that angered me, but I would complain to friends and then move on. Kids often don’t know that an option to be active exists. I sure didn’t.  If the parent is active, I believe the child will be too.

The story of Diana Reeves is inspiring me. Diana is the mother of two girls with health problems and has lost her son to cancer. She got interested in the link between food and health. When she her state’s law makers caved into threats by food manufacturers to sue, the state decided not to pass a GMO labeling law. Many people are passionate about genetically modified food being labeled as such and are demanding that laws be passed to create transparency in this industry. Diana started a group called GMO Free USA which plans to pressure food manufacturers into revealing which of their products contain GMOs.

What I found fascinating here is Diana’s strategy. I mean, we all want GMO food labelled, right? Diana decided that if the government wasn’t going to do its job, she would go directly after the food manufacturers. The group’s first task is to attract a significant number of like-minded members (5,000+). Once they reach that critical mass, they’ll identify one company per week, and members will bombard that company with emails demanding transparency and threatening to boycott.

This probably sounds like a very basic strategy for anyone who is an activist, but for me this is new.

What I learned and plan to do with my kids:

1. Find an issue that concerns us.

2. Start a Facebook group so that others who support this cause can join.

3. Begin an email bombardment campaign expressing our concerns and threatening to boycott (if relevant).

There are some amazing moms out there. I bow my hat before you,  Mrs. Reeves. Where you get the strength to go against these giants is beyond me. I promise to pass your message on to our kids and we will join your campaign.

Are you encouraging your child to be active and create change? How so? Share with us in the comments box.

I want to talk today about those less-than-perfect moments in my day: the moments I am stressed to be alone with four kids, the moments I raise my voice, the moments I shoot commands at my kids, the moments I lose my patience and the moments I get verbally aggressive. In short, the moments I feel I am not in control and someone else – with a horrible tone of voice – has taken over.

On good days, it could happen once or not at all. On bad, tired, overwhelmed days, those ugly moments can happen 3-4 times a day. I really hate it but sometimes it is hard to control (Especially after I stay up all night with my one-year-old).

Books as life-changers

I started reading Mayim Bialik’s book Beyond the Sling.  The entire book was worth reading so that I could reach chapter 11: Gentle Discipline.

What is Gentle Parenting/Discipline?

It means parenting without violence – physical or verbal.  It means to rely instead on respectful communication. Basically, you are seeking to see your child not as someone lesser or weaker than you who you can and should control but rather as a partner.  We are not peers – but partners. Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It means that I communicate my needs to my child while respecting his/her needs. Easier said than done. But do-able, I think.

Don’ts in Gentle Parenting

I plan to avoid the following actions in my journey to parent gently:

1. Avoid illogical consequences to misbehaviour. For example: Don’t say “No story tonight if you guys don’t listen to me”. It creates a bad atmosphere. Use logical consequences instead like:  ”Oh, the bedroom has become a mess so instead of reading a book now, i think we will need to clean it up together”.

2. Avoid saying “Because I said so”. The child deserves an explanation about the limits I want to set.

3. Avoid saying “don’t cry”. According to the author, crying serves to release tension. Allow for crying and see it as a natural way for the child to communicate. They are just learning to express their feelings. It’s a process. Give it time.

4. Avoid countdown. Oh, this is a biggie with me. I don’t know where I picked up this horrible habit of counting down for the kids until they get something done (or until they stop doing something annoying) but I hate it! I want to stop. It’s disrespectful to my kids. They are not soldiers in an army. Get them to focus in another method.

5. Avoid threats and rewards: Threats are a situation where the parent always wins and the child can never win. Rewards work the same way: the parent decides what deserves a gift or treat and the child fears the consequences and so responds to the reward. The problem with this system is that the real values – being respectful, working with others, communicating your needs in an efficient manner – that I want to get across to the child get lost in the process.

6. Don’t worry about what other people think. If a meltdown happens in public, take a deep breath and handle it with gentleness that feels comfortable to me. Forget the other people watching you in the supermarket. They don’t matter. What matters is my connection to my child and helping him/her regain a positive outlook.

Do’s in Gentle Parenting

I plan to use the following “tools” in my quest to parent gently:

1.  Always assume the best about my kids – no matter how they behave. Assume my kids are the sweetest, most loving, gentle, helpful beings. Because they are. Deep down inside they truly are good-hearted and seeking to contribute their part. Sometimes when they use unwanted behaviour, its easy to forget.  My children will perceive themselves the way that we as parents perceive them. If I look at them as annoying and “bad”, that is what they will believe. If I look at them as adorable and fascinating, that is what they will see themselves as.

2.  I want to see “bad” behaviour as a sign of an unmet need. This has helped me tremendously. I used to get angry at a child who was misbehaving. Today, I try to stop and think: What is he trying to tell me through his (mis)behaviour? What is he missing? What need is he trying to fill? Often, I find that the answer for my kids’ misbahviour is the need for attention – and legitimately so. They are four little kids and rarely do they get time alone with Mom and Dad. When I see my sons or daughters seeking attention these days, I try to create one-on-one Mommy time in order to fill that need. Note to self: bad behaviour=unmet need.

3.  Take a parent time-out. Before I say or do anything  that I will regret, tell the kids that I am stepping away to another room for a few minutes. This is a tremendous lesson for them as well. Think before you explode. If I can’t leave the room, go aside and sit and breathe and try to gather myself. A smart quote: You’ll never regret the things you didn’t say.

4. Give a yes for every no, sometimes two. You cannot do this – but you can do that. Focus on what they can do and not on what they cannot do.

5. Use distraction and humor. Make a joke!  Laugh! Life is not that serious.  Distract and move on when negative energies begin.

History repeats itself?

I think that we often parent the way that we have been parented. It is so hard to break habits. I literally hear myself saying sentences that I grew up hearing and am finding it a big challenge to let them go.

Note to self: Let go. Don’t go on automatic pilot with mean, belittling sentences when you are stressed and tired. Soften your tone of voice. These are your kids. Be gentle. Be soft. Be the mom that you’ve always dreamed you’d be.  Don’t try to be perfect. Be good enough.  It’s a process. Breathe. Disconnect and go to your room if you need but – do not lose control.

You are okay.